A long time missing-the temptation to stop because its lost its novelty

This was supposed to be a life project but its turning out to be tricky to keep it in the forefront of my mind. As with lots of art projects they slip in and out of focus and so has my commitment to this. I have started filling in my sheets again and trying to resist. I can feel the inches coming back on a little and I know its perverse but the thing which makes me want to refocus is seeing others about me who have extra weight. In this country we hear common phrases like " I just don't know how I got like this." " I hate myself for being this fat." and people passify with phrases like " Your not fat your just cuddly." or " There are plenty of people bigger than you are." or say of you " You have lovely hair." which is a sure fire distraction from the issue. I haven't decided if we should hate ourselves for being overweight. Not because it looks bad and might turn others off their dinners but because of the moral obligation to eat our fair share and nothing more. This has made me think of an art experiment, possibly the opposite of the extreme Starvation diet where I ate only rice and porridge. In this new work I would have a big cheap and nasty cake, I would chop it into slices one huge and one just a slither. The tiny bit I would give to someone, maybe my son to eat. Maybe I wouldn't tell him why he was only getting a small piece and I was going to eat every other bit. The other I would plough through myself. Maybe it could be filmed with flash images of the needy, too fast that they don't register on the concious. Maybe this is just striving after novelty again though and I just need to keep on with the mundane, both for the sake of the art, life and the message. I shall ponder on the validity of this one.

Crisp hangover

Crisps make me feel ill. The other night we sat down to watch a film. It seemed like the occasion required snacks. My son and I set about the weigh and save pick and mix sweets and a big bag of crisps. Crisps are very salty. That may appear to be stating the obvious but as a once semi regular eater of crisps I hadn't really noticed it. I hadn't noticed the affect they have on my body before. Now I've been avoiding lots of snacks since October I notice changes they provoke more profoundly. Thirst drew me to drink my bedside glass of water before my head even hit the pillow. The following morning I was still dehydrated, poorly belly and a slight fuzzy head. I had a crisp hangover. Crispy hair of the dog anyone?

Misery Meals Down The Pub

I have had a bout of the poor mes. Where is my life going? What is the point? Nobody loves me, everybody hates me. Lots of introspective clap trap which just lurked up on my over the weekend. I know its a waste of time. I know it makes me an ugly thinker. But sometimes you can't help it. In an effort to alleviate this it seemed that a meal at the pub was in order. We had a lovely time, me and my son, listening to the very small loop of music on the CD to the point where we didn't care that Tom Petty was Free falling again. The food was ok. My son bought us pudding. It lifted my mood to be chatting to my son, joking and putting the world to rights. Was it worth the money though? If I had resisted I'd have to be paying £30.00 into the charity pot. It seems like a lot to donate to charity not so much when I handed over my card at the end of the meal. Not quite sure what all this means but just thought it important to blog it.

A Guilt Free Weekend

I decided that this weekend would be guilt free. I would eat as I please. Crisps with a film, cake after tea, kebab for the take away, beer and cheap cider. I find however that I'm not as good at it as I used to be. I don't enjoy it so much. Its the difference I feel in my stomach I think. Normally it is pretty well behaved but as I pile in the junk food it gets to feeling bloated and grumbly. I don't so much like the taste left in my mouth as I used to. Msg doesn't taste as yummy as it used to, sugar rush isn't quite as good. It doesn't leave me craving more, just wanting to go upstairs and brush my teeth. I suppose all this is a good sign. A sign that my diet has changed and I have somehow educated those tiny buds which litter my mouth.
Taking my son and his chum out for a bike ride to the lake turned out to be the most indulgent bit of the weekend.

Big Pizza, feel sick

Allowed myself to be convinced into getting a 12 inch meat feast pizza for me and George. After two pieces thought, "Full now". But it seems that an open pizza box is still an empty pizza box. George set in for his last piece. "I could leave my last piece" I thought. But no. Feel sick now. Not guilty though. Just think I've learnt my lesson. Stop. Have it tomorrow for dinner have it for breakfast just don't jam it in when you are already full up. In the words of my mothers weight watchers inspired mantra "don't use yourself as a dustbin.".

Chocolate rice crispy cakes and cookies

Don't even have either of these things in the house. They whisper at you from the biscuit barrel and at times of stress they pounce and scuttle down your gullet before you even notice. Luckily by the time I got home yesterday my son had eaten half of his cooking class crispy cakes. That only leaves 6 more to eat. I would feed them to the birds but I fear that with all the chocolate and peanut butter in them the poor birds may never fly again. The cookies were, I told myself for my son after a good parents evening report. But If this was true why were they co-op finest toffee and pecan and not kidie jaffa cakes or the like. I think I may have tricked myself there.

Dirty Burger

Was stuck at the station for a while the other night. Ithought "I know, I've not had a meal from burger king for a while, I'll buy a burger." I had thought that I didn't eat them because of the moral cost, badly raised meat looked after by badly paid people but after eating the burger I realise it is something else. They are bloody horrid. The bun was dry, the burger was like a piece of cork board burger, big chunks of onion and cold tasteless chips. Nasty.

Really Really Really Really Hungry

Felt a tiny rumbling in my belly last night after tea. "I'm really, really, really, hungry" I thought. "I need a cake, a nice salad, I'm that hungry I'd even eat an apple. " I thought. We are in fact probably never really hungry. Its probably my brain which make me feel hungry lots of the time. What proof is there of this? For a start I don't feel as hungry when my brain is otherwise engaged and secondly I always feel hungrier when they get to the pudding bit in "Come Dine With Me". The food being used to fuel me can't suddenly be used up in the act of licking my lips over bad cookery programmes, can it? No. So it must be my brain. With this in mind I have gone to find a way to get my brain back on track when it is performing its tricks. I've gone to look up some pictures of what real hunger looks like. This should give my brain some food for proper thought and keep it out of mischief.

Glum and seeking comfort

Woke up feeling glum today. A few plans fell through and I felt progressively more sorry for myself. It was then that I thought about a snack. Whoa is me, I deserve a chocolate bar some crisps would cheer me up. 3 prunes and some clever redirection later I feel much better and find that I have resisted descending further into the poor me's and everything no longer resembled a snicker. Must be at least £1.50 more for the starvation diet pot.

The first few days on the starvation diet

I went into town the other day and whilst walking through Wilkinsons on my way to get mirrored tiles for a schools art project I saw a great big Christmas pudding. They had been talking about christmas puddings on radio 4 before I headed out. I find almost everything on radio 4 fascinating, its a weakness and I must learn to be more discerning about it. So when I saw this pudding I was instantly attracted and thought, "I could buy that and we could have it after tea." As my son doesn't much like Christmas pudd this actually meant, I could buy it and eat it after tea. It was 97p. 97 p for a pudding which wouldn't be uncomfortable wearing my hat. How does one source and make and rap a pudding of such density for 97p. As I reached for it I remembered the starvation diet. That was one of the first collection of coins to go into the charity pot. If you haven't yet read what the starvation diet is click on my blog go to The process behind the starvation diet or The idea behind the starvation diet.